Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Toxic Masculinity

There is another reason that I left the right that has less to do with economics and more to do with culture. This has become a reason I actually detest the right: toxic masculinity. I absolutely hate it and it has strongly diminished what respect that I had for right as a cultural community.

                                                       Toxic Masculinity

I am not going to define it here so much as describe it. "Toxic masculinity" is not some left-wing myth. It is something that I have observed all of my life, even before I became aware of the term, which was actually quite recent. But the mentality exists and I have even been a victim of it. I will give four examples from every day life to illustrate that it's very real. Just to be crystal clear: I am not suggesting that masculinity per se is awful, stupid, or even evil. I have nothing against masculinity in and of itself. However, when masculinity becomes abusive, it becomes something shameful and disgusting. Masculinity, in my view, can take positive and negative forms just as femininity can. So what examples can I provide?

My first example is how men mistreated other kids when they were kids. I remember when I was a kid in elementary, middle, and high school. I wasn't a very cerebral kid; rather, I was into art, fantasy,and science fiction. I wasn't into sports. However, I noticed that, beginning in middle school, I was insulted with words like "nerd", "geek", and (later) "dork". I dressed much more conservatively than the other kids did and I "lived in my head" because I would constantly daydream. Later, in high school, I became focused into academics and became academically-inclined. I was mistreated because I wasn't into sports. I experimented with sports when I was in grade school: I tried basketball in the 5th grade when I was a student at Alisal Elementary in Pleasanton, California.

I wasn't a physically aggressive and athletic kid. Besides not being athletic, I was actually a very puny kid. Although I had a sweet tooth and indulged it almost every day by drinking soda, I was very slender. I was considered a "wimpy" kid and I was bullied, especially in middle school. I didn't pursue girls (well, maybe a tiny handful of girls), I wasn't trying to "score" with "chicks". When I got into high school, I wasn't into cars, the outdoors, or anything else that was considered manly. If anything, I was very emotional at times. Now, bear in mind, that throughout high school, I was a dye-in-the-wool Reagan conservative. So any accusation that I was somehow some "liberal girly-boy" was laughable.

The worst of all were the fights. I was a peaceful student and my approach to all conflicts was irenic. Fighting was the last resort when all peaceful solutions failed. I deeply regretted war but felt it was sometimes necessary. I got into my fair share of fights but I hated them. There were some kids who had a bad attitude and practically went around looking for trouble. There was one time I got into a fight with a kid but that is only because I was sick of his attitude towards me. He pushed me and so I clinched my fist and clobbered him. If he hadn't pushed me, I would have gone on like nothing was wrong but that act of physical aggression pushed me over the line.

It seemed like some kids loved fights. Being able to beat the living snot out of someone somehow proved what a man you are. When I was in high school, there was this one bully in my economics class who told me that if a boy doesn't like to fight, it was because he was a (weakling; not the exact word he used). I thought fighting was stupid. It takes a big man to fight, sure, but it takes a bigger man to walk away from a fight. Most fights are over stupid things by people who are just being stupid. Intelligent people resolve their differences or conflicts by reasonable and calm means. But yet, there were some kids, clearly bullies, who went around looking for fights.

Another example is the blatant homophobia that I see. Guys who are guilty of toxic masculinity are very strongly homophobic. They are utterly repulsed by the thought that two men could be in love and worse, express it in sexual ways (I have to wonder how these guys would react if they saw two very attractive lesbians make out in front of them). They will talk about gay men in derogatory ways behind their backs (i.e. "Did you see those two fags holding hands?" "Yeah, that gay- shit makes me sick"). Sometimes they will do it openly in public and insult gay men to their faces.

I have been a victim of this as well. I have been called homophobic slurs. I remember one time standing at an intersection in my hometown and there were these two guys in a truck. They were facing the same direction that I was facing but they were clearly going to turn into a different street. One of the guys yelled at me, "Faggot!" and the other guy yelled at me, "Fuck you, queer!" I didn't say anything; the last thing I wanted to do was cause these guys in the truck to pull over and try to cause a physical altercation. Besides, it was years since I took any martial arts courses and I never achieved advanced status, so it wasn't as though I was in a position to take these two guys on.

My last two examples of toxic masculinity are sexism. My third example is something that has been described as "locker room talk". This is where two or more guys talk about a woman in very sexually explicit detail. A guy may talk about a woman's butt, her breasts, any other part of her in a sexually explicit way and sometimes the conversation will cross the line into what these guys would love to do with such a woman if they could cross the requisite boundaries and given a full green light. Unfortunately, I have seen this outside of locker rooms. When I worked as a student at Cal State East Bay, I was employed buy a food services company that contracted with universities. I was in a kitchen, working on something, when a guy talked about a female officer manager and made a gesture about her chest and how much he was attracted to her. I complained to a female chef about it.

The last example is sexist in the sense that guys guilty of toxic masculinity will vilify other guys because they don't aggressively pursue romantic or sexual interest in ladies. This isn't homophobia so much as it is an attempt to vilify guys for not being sexually aggressive. Sexual aggression is men is seen as a virtue by men who are considered manly. If a guy doesn't actively pursue interest in a woman or, worse, is actually shy around women, he is castigated for it. If he doesn't pursue interest in a woman, if he doesn't act confident around women, he is vilified for being a "sissy" or, worse, a "pussy". Guys who not only pursue women but succeed in sexual conquest, especially in a casual and promiscuous manner, are admired and glorified for it. Guys who don't, are treated like dirt for it.

                                             The Right and Toxic Masculinity

So why do I detest the right, then? Because I see toxic masculinity in the right. I believe that the lion's share of the blame goes to Evangelicals like James Dobson. Now, of course, to a lot of people on the right, there is no such thing as "toxic masculinity". All masculinity is healthy and normal. What about the kids who are vilified for being "nerds"/"dorks"? Well, they are nerds and dorky. If they don't like sports, if they aren't physically aggressive and hyper-competitive, and prefer either art and fantasy or something cerebral like science and mathematics, then they deserve to be castigated for it. What bout homophobia? Well gays, bisexuals, transgender people are freaks and perverts, so they deserve to be treated like crap. God only created people to be heterosexual, so if these degenerates want to rebel and disobey the divine order of creation, they will have to suffer the consequences. What about sexism? Locker room talk is just "guys being guys". The lust is regretful; lust is sinful and people should save their urges until they are married. What about guys who are vilified because they aren't sexually aggressive around women? They deserve it. God created men to be the pursuers and any guy who isn't a pursuer, is a wimp period. He needs to pray that God will help him grow some balls so he can be manly and pursue women but the women have to be godly and chaste.

Bear in mind that I grew up in a politically and theologically conservative family. My dad was a quasi-fundamentalist while my mother was a fundamentalist. My dad was a minister and my mother was a music leader in our church. Now my dad preferred that his boys be manly, masculine, and athletic but my youngest brother and I clearly weren't. It was a long time in coming but my dad accepted that my youngest brother and I weren't into manly things. Both of us were emotional, kind, very gentle, and thoughtful. My younger brother was a tough kid; very athletic, very competitive, very aggressive. He loved baseball with a passion. I loved art and my youngest brother loved music. My dad was like my younger brother. My dad was athletic, somewhat aggressive, but not very competitive. I have been called "effeminate" which I considered a very polite way of saying that I was a "girly-boy". In fact, I have often gotten the impression from Evangelicals that "masculinity" is considered a requisite for holiness. The reason, however, that I see toxic masculinity in the conservative movement, I am convinced, is because it was introduced by churches.

Like I said before, I blame Evangelicals like James Dobson and his ministry "Focus on the Family". I have seen toxic masculinity from people who promote organizations like "Promise Keepers". It's this idea that God created men to be physically aggressive, very competitive, and very athletic. Thus, what is traditionally masculine is just part of the creative order of God. The biggest difference that I have observed is that in "heathen" culture, causal promiscuity is praised while in Evangelical culture, premarital chastity is praised. In fact, "locker room" talk is discouraged, not because it is disrespectful to women. Rather, because men are indulging their lusts. A man is expected to pursue romantic interest in women, absolutely, but it has to be within a "godly" context. When a man has a good paying job, has shown himself approved to God and believers, then is a man encouraged to pursue romantic interest in a woman and she has to prove herself to be godly and ready to raise a Christ-centered family.

                                                           Right-Wing Hate

So, why have I lost respect for the right? Because of the very abusive attitude that conservatives have towards people who are not manly, especially liberals. I am not a liberal but, like liberals, I have been vilified by people on the right. Conservatives love to call liberals, especially men, names like "snowflakes", "girly-boys", and "sissies". This isn't meant in jest, as though these epithets are examples of good-natured ridicule with no harm intended. These insults are meant as serious put-downs; they are attempts at character assassination. For a grown man to be emotionally sensitive is seen as not merely shameful but positively disgusting. That is why a conservative will try to seriously shame a liberal man for being sensitive. That's where the word "snowflake" comes in. People aren't supposed to be sensitive and delicate like a snowflake is. Men are supposed to be tough and nothing should rattle their cages or "get to them".

It disgusts many conservatives that a grown man would be gentle. Grown men are supposed to be  physically aggressive, and sometimes even cruel. A cruel display of aggression is actually admired. This is why some conservatives seem to me to think more highly of bullies than their victims. The victims of bullies are wussies who deserve the cruel treatment that they get while bullies are admired for their aggressiveness. Conservatives have convinced me that they absolutely detest anything that reeks of femininity in men. The very insult "girly-boy" seems very misogynistic to me. It holds little girls in contempt as though they are just the gutter of humanity and any guy who resembles anything as loathsome as a little girl, deserves to be treated like total crap for it. This attitude from conservatives towards guys who lack masculinity or show little of it is rooted in hate. Words like "snowflakes", "girly-boys", "pussies", or what--not, are meant to be abusive in nature because they are grounded in hate.

What does it really matter that some guys are emotionally sensitive? What does it matter if some boys are into art, music, or something more cerebral? If a conservative thinks that two men in a committed relationship are acting sinfully, so what? That person needs to keep such beliefs to him/herself. What does it really matter what two men or two women do in their private lives? So what if a guy doesn't pursue romantic interest in women? What does it matter if a guy does't like sports, doesn't have a competitive bone in his body, or just isn't aggressive? I don't understand why some conservatives cannot keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. You would think that if a Supreme Being cared about the behavior, relationships, and attitude of some people and found it offensive, that Being can do something about it. I would think that if God is real and takes offense at same-sex relationships or a man not liking sports, God would intervene and change things; not leave it in the hands of his supposed followers.

                                                           Conclusion

Toxic masculinity is the biggest reason I am not a conservative. Even if I was in favor of "free-market capitalism" and against abortion, I would have a hard time considering myself a conservative given this repulsive machismo. I have nothing against people who like sports, people who are competitive, nothing against guys who love to chase women, against guys who are into the outdoors, hunting, or whatever is considered "manly" these days. If two guys who want guzzle down beer and impress each other about their sexual escapades, that is their business. I am offended that any woman would be treated as a mere object of male gratification but if guys want to lust over a woman's butt, her breasts, or anything else that turns them on about her, I am content to let them do it. I am content to let each person peacefully pursue that person's desires as long as only legally consenting adults are involved. I honestly don't care if someone likes sports, loves to work out, or if a guy thinks he's a "lady's man".

I have come to accept that my fellow members of the GLBT are worthy of total love, respect, compassion, and the same rights as others. What two or more legally consenting adults do in their private lives is their business and no one else's. Now readers understand why I detest toxic machismo; I have seen the hate that fuels it and the harm that results from it. I have no respect for anyone guilty of it and this is especially true of conservatives who embrace it. If people believe that God has desired (toxic) masculinity as part of some "divine order"-fine. They can keep this to themselves. If a lack of masculinity or worse, same-sex attraction disgusts them, too bad. I am not going to change these right-wingers and I am not even tempted to. As long as they keep their garbage to themselves and don't attempt to abuse or harass others, I will keep my peace. I am not going to pretend for a moment, however, that conservatives who display toxic masculinity are deserving of respect.

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Toxic Masculinity

There is another reason that I left the right that has less to do with economics and more to do with culture. This has become a reason I act...